Let's call it "that day", the moment when someone mentioned things I haven’t achieved yet in front of everyone. I cried over his words. I knew he was stating the fact, I was just upset by how he said it. I remember clearly how sensitive I was, to the point I started asking myself like,
"Why am I crying over someone who wasn't even there for me when I need help? Why am I crying so much until I lose my appetite and get a terrible headache?"
At that time, I thought it was okay to cry, but no, it was too much.
Maybe I misunderstood the idea of self-love. I thought self-love meant letting myself do whatever I wanted. But in reality, I'm only human, I make mistakes too, and I shouldn't let them continue until they become bad habits.
Bad habits brought me stress, trauma, worry, and fear. As someone who always want to be better day by day, I feel sorry for myself for having such a hard time, just because I hadn't got better yet. I knew I was wrong, but it was easier to label myself as a failure than to stay focused on fixing things. My mind is always in the mode to criticize my own action (which can be good, I guess), but some critiques don't come with the same energy to actually take action.
/now playing "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me~" by Taylor Swift/
Everyone has flaws and weakness. It's really normal. But have you ever been so exhausted because your weakness come from the same bad habits, and you have no clue where to start to fix? I have. Until "that day", I realized that maybe, I shouldn't start to fix bad habits by blaming myself, but by forgiving myself instead. Since last year, every Eid Fitr, when people apologize to each other, I've been simply wanting to use that "big" moment to apologize to myself.
Some problems seem hard until they're written. Some feelings seem uneasy until they're spoken.
So, I made the list of things I want to apologize to myself for.
Here, I want to apologize to myself, more seriously.
Dear me, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything I already know it's bad, but I keep doing it just because I'm lazy to take more effort to change. I'm sorry for everything I already know it's not my fault, but I keep worrying about it too much. I'm sorry for everything in the past I already know the circumstances was so much different with the present, but I keep projecting myself back into it and never be proud of the current version of myself.
I know I don't like myself repeating bad habits. I know I shouldn't. I know I have ability and willingness to do it better (and that's good). I can be better. I am the one I can take control. How I respond to someone's opinion about me is under my control as well. It's hard sometimes, but at least I'm still breathing, right?
I'm alive, so every breath is time to make change, every mistake is chance to grow.
It's been more than a year, I've noticed some improvements.
I've become more mindful than before. Like when I'm so sleepy at night but haven't removed make-up yet, I ask myself, "Do I want to leave my face dirty for the whole night? Do I want to deal with breakouts later?" Mostly, the answer is no. I want to treat my skin properly, keep it healthy. Or when I have deadlines and feel like procrastinating, I ask myself, "Do I want to stay up late again, let my body and mind get exhausted later, and end up stressed and sensitive?" No, I don't, so I push myself to get it done. Well, sometimes the answer is not always "no" anyway, but I'm more aware of the consequences that it will pass soon (even if I still complain, LOL).
The process of forgiving myself is not always stable. Sometimes I'm insecure. Other people seem to move on quickly after they act clumsy or make mistakes, while I overthink the small mistake for days. I always admire how people become so resilient. But I’ve also learned not to care too much about everything. The world doesn’t revolve around me, so I don’t need to overthink every little thing that isn't really about me. It’s okay to chill a bit.
Having ups and downs journey is normal anyway. In every down, I hope I'll keep choosing to forgive myself better.
Forgiving myself is my own journey as individual who wants to embrace my weakness and accept life. Forgiving myself doesn't mean I will be flawless person. I just don't want to take granted the chances God has given me to grow through this life.
Most importantly, I want to meet myself in the future not only as a better person, but also as someone who never gave up on life.
To everyone who's also struggling to forgive themselves, finger crossed for us!🤞
