Fear Doesn't Even Care
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| how I could still put smile with others in this semester:) |
I started this semester with fear. I was scared a lot. A night before my first college day of this semester, I couldn't sleep well, I was just too scared to meet new semester. I didn't want morning to come too soon. But here I am about to reach the end of this semester, waiting for my GPA of this semester comes out, writing something to try to be productive, and still being scared af.
Why am I scared?
I am facing something I never have before. That's a big deal. I did and am doing some stuffs for the first time. Many things happen at the same time even concerning to the online meetings, I did them at the same place. Am I that cool? Nope at all. I just ended up being a person with super bad focus. I was not part of a few people who were able to do multitasking.
What is my priority indeed?
Stay alive. I got used to have suicidal thought, so once I could survive and stay alive is enough to be honest. Yes, I'm very very thankful to God for that. But have you ever thought you lower your standard? I have, I just thought I lower my standard of living. I'm still grateful for that, but just feeling I miss something different like back then.
Am I projecting myself to the past?
Sometimes. But there is still a tweet that keep reminding me to go forward. Let me share with you what it is:
Be present. Don't obsess over the things that already happened in the past, nor things that haven't happened yet in the future.“Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life. Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand.”
So yes, I'm still struggling to live my present to the fullest without blaming what I had ever done in the past.
Have I figured out the solution to have more courage?
Yes, I wrote down my goals and organized my personal track. I'm so grateful for what I've achieved even though I still always think I couldn't help myself to sacrifice other important things so much. I was overwhelming. I did mistakes. I was not that perfect. I didn't give my best effort yet. But I didn't regret those hectic days. I'm a bit relieved I've gone through this semester.
So what's the meaning of fear in the beginning if it turned out I did it "well"?
I've ever heard that fear is one of motivation comes from. So thanks to the fear for motivating me to keep going? I guess. But what's the point of fear if I couldn't get off my ass and do something? Sometimes fear is just fear without any sign to motivate me getting done my to-do lists, fear only haunted me even came into my nightmare. I've been in the state I was in badmood for the couple days due to nothing that was not necessary to think until I repeated this line in my mind:
I'm stressed out for nothing, that's not okay, so confront it and do something!
My fear maybe motivated me, but I still should more be thankful about how myself overcame it and how God gave me power to go through it.
Ah seriously I'm writing this one so slow till it's been 01.44 am in my place right now. I must be enjoyed it so much:")
Finally, to welcome the last day of June in 2021, let's survive for today, the next day, and beyond no matter how big the deal is, how hard to execute priorities, how beautiful the past was, how huge the fear stay still and haunt on every single day. What I got from the first semester in this year is fear doesn't care about how I've been messed up my day or how I've achieved goal one by one. Fear doesn't care about my health and productivity.
Fear may keep coming and haunting and triggering and I just should get up to start beating it up. No need to wait for perfection nor someone talks about it.
#30haribercerita
#30hbc2110
