Fear Doesn't Even Care

Fear Doesn't Even Care

Posted by Salma Fauzia W on Juni 30, 2021 in #30haribercerita,

how I could still put smile with others in this semester:)

I started this semester with fear. I was scared a lot. A night before my first college day of this semester, I couldn't sleep well, I was just too scared to meet new semester. I didn't want morning to come too soon. But here I am about to reach the end of this semester, waiting for my GPA of this semester comes out, writing something to try to be productive, and still being scared af.

Why am I scared?

I am facing something I never have before. That's a big deal. I did and am doing some stuffs for the first time. Many things happen at the same time even concerning to the online meetings, I did them at the same place. Am I that cool? Nope at all. I just ended up being a person with super bad focus. I was not part of a few people who were able to do multitasking.

What is my priority indeed?

Stay alive. I got used to have suicidal thought, so once I could survive and stay alive is enough to be honest. Yes, I'm very very thankful to God for that. But have you ever thought you lower your standard? I have, I just thought I lower my standard of living. I'm still grateful for that, but just feeling I miss something different like back then.

Am I projecting myself to the past?

Sometimes. But there is still a tweet that keep reminding me to go forward. Let me share with you what it is:

Be present. Don't obsess over the things that already happened in the past, nor things that haven't happened yet in the future.

“Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life. Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand.”

- @senjatanuklir  

So yes, I'm still struggling to live my present to the fullest without blaming what I had ever done in the past.

Have I figured out the solution to have more courage?

Yes, I wrote down my goals and organized my personal track. I'm so grateful for what I've achieved even though I still always think I couldn't help myself to sacrifice other important things so much. I was overwhelming. I did mistakes. I was not that perfect. I didn't give my best effort yet. But I didn't regret those hectic days. I'm a bit relieved I've gone through this semester.

So what's the meaning of fear in the beginning if it turned out I did it "well"?

I've ever heard that fear is one of motivation comes from. So thanks to the fear for motivating me to keep going? I guess. But what's the point of fear if I couldn't get off my ass and do something? Sometimes fear is just fear without any sign to motivate me getting done my to-do lists, fear only haunted me even came into my nightmare. I've been in the state I was in badmood for the couple days due to nothing that was not necessary to think until I repeated this line in my mind:

I'm stressed out for nothing, that's not okay, so confront it and do something!

My fear maybe motivated me, but I still should more be thankful about how myself overcame it and how God gave me power to go through it. 

Ah seriously I'm writing this one so slow till it's been 01.44 am in my place right now. I must be enjoyed it so much:")

Finally, to welcome the last day of June in 2021, let's survive for today, the next day, and beyond no matter how big the deal is, how hard to execute priorities, how beautiful the past was, how huge the fear stay still and haunt on every single day. What I got from the first semester in this year is fear doesn't care about how I've been messed up my day or how I've achieved goal one by one. Fear doesn't care about my health and productivity.

Fear may keep coming and haunting and triggering and I just should get up to start beating it up. No need to wait for perfection nor someone talks about it.

@30haribercerita

#30haribercerita

#30hbc2110

Continue Reading

What I Thought After Passing Out for The First Time

What I Thought After Passing Out for The First Time

Posted by Salma Fauzia W on Juni 13, 2021 in #30haribercerita,

The railway next to the traditional market
*anyway this photo was taken in 2016:))

This month, I passed out for the first time in my life. My very first time I could say. Well when I was at school I had ever felt not good a couple of times like I felt I would pass out but I didn't really pass out till my eyes closed and I lost consciousness. No. Then while I'm gonna be 20, I passed out in front of the fish stalls in the traditional market. Yes, that was true. But thank you for that incident, I realized some things I should take notes to remember. So here I am writing about it.

Maybe I passed out because I didn't have good sleep for nights, but I had to stand up for minutes waiting for fish was got ready. You know, my Indonesian fellas, I probably just passed out like the way I started to not feel good about my body and all of a sudden I became weak while standing up in the flag ceremony for about a half hour in the hot sunny morning.

Ah I miss my middle school a bit. 

Once I woke up after passing out, I literally didn't remember anything. I felt like I just woke up after a long sleep.  The last time that I remembered was I held on my mom's shoulder. Just it, there was no more. I even forgot whether I had told her that I felt I would pass out right away. What I remembered just before getting up from fainting was I heard about some stuff in english and at the same time I saw like a zoom in transition that reminded me with Elliot Choy's outro video style. Anyway for your information, he is currently my favorite youtuber, you guys should check out his channel.

When I woke up from fainting, I found my mom sitting on the ground next to me, some people gathered around me and saw me like I was a victim. Yes honestly a victim of having no sleep for the whole night. But seriously among those people there was a woman all of a sudden she asked me to drink a glass of hot tea. I don't even know a glass of hot tea is really the first aid cause its sweet contains some sucroses or whatnot that would increase my energy to wake up or that's just all Indonesian's habit everytime they find out the sick. But still, I felt better after drinking it, so thank you so much, a super kind woman on that day. She even didn't want that tea to be paid.

Good stranger is real (but being careful is a must).

On the way home, my mom was getting super protective since we were both on the motorcycle. We stopped in the roadside, my mom bought me a bowl of chicken noodle cause my mom worried that I would pass out one more time. She yelled at me about the way I couldn't take care of my health, yes I deserved it. At the same time she cared so much about me, yes I was blessed for it.

I'm blessed for all privileges I have all this time.

I felt I was useless at that time. I was really scared if I couldn't wake up after passing out. I really thought I had no power in real, but God gave me. God gave and gives me energy to wake up, nice people to take care of me for granted, chance for me to learn from my mistakes, time for me to stay alive longer, even slap to remind me about how precious moments in life is. I didn't wanna die, that was the thing coming up to my mind on that day I fainted. I wanna live longer, that's the thing I want to say much more. 

After passing out for the first time in my life, I don't wanna get the next one. I wanna eat, sleep, wake up, accomplish tasks better. I wanna live in much better healthy life. I don't wanna say it only as the other bullshit. Cause I never know what is gonna happen next and I cannot depend on other people over and over. I should mentally, physically, financially stable for the sake of myself and people I wanna live longer with.

I don't want this to only be a content.

Let's do workout. Let's not skip breakfast. Let's not have brunch for an excuse to prevent obesity. Let's not procrastinate your to-do list in the name of slacker and badmood. Let's go to sleep and wake up earlier. Let's just do better way of living.

Let's execute it.

@30haribercerita

#30haribercerita

#30hbc2109

Continue Reading

Kata, Tolong Tuluslah

Kata, Tolong Tuluslah

Posted by Salma Fauzia W on Juni 11, 2021 in Puisi,

Di suatu masa percaya pada tulusnya kata tak lagi ada
Giliran kucoba
Dengan sisa tenaga juga harap cemas kau kan baca
Pelan kuketikkan beberapa aksara

Senyata apa takut, semega apa kalut
Sekasar apa marah, sekurang ajar apa resah
Terima kasih sudah buka mata, angkat raga, lalu bekerja
Meski bukan hal hebat juga
Meski sudah seharusnya
Terima kasih ya

Terima kasih saja, iya
Sisanya biar dibayar yang kausebut usaha doa
Serupa ini aksara
Berusaha hargai hal seharusnya dengan tulus
Berdoa yakinmu tak jua putus
Yakin pada proses tak sempurna itu
Yakin ia tak sia-sia

Sebab di suatu masa percaya pada tulusnya kata tak lagi ada
Kata baik masih tetap bergema
Berusaha ia dipeluk Tuhan
Berdoa aku ia bekerja padamu jelma pertolongan

Continue Reading

Menulis Seperti Nadin Amizah

Menulis Seperti Nadin Amizah

Posted by Salma Fauzia W on Juni 01, 2021 in #30haribercerita,

Tentang perspektif lainku dalam memaknai "karya".

Akhir-akhir ini, aku makin banyak mendengar tentang karya dari anak-anak muda. Salah satunya yang kuikuti adalah milik Nadin Amizah. Nadin merilis album Selamat Ulang Tahun di hari ulang tahunnya yang ke-20. Aku yang berusia satu tahun lebih muda dari Nadin merasa sedikit insecure dengan beberapa kali kepikiran hal-hal seperti:

Bentar lagi aku pun 20 tahun, sudah buat apa? Sudah berkarya apa?

Komparasi atau refleksi?

Apapun itu tetap saja buat aku ke-trigger. Bukan jadi sedih, bukan. Yaa bagaimana aku bisa jadi sedih kalau 70% receiptify all time-ku ditempati lagu-lagu dalam Selamat Ulang Tahun.

Gambar di atas adalah lagu-lagu yang paling sering kuputar di Spotify hingga 22 September 2020. Semuanya lagu Nadin Amizah. Sejak Nadin merilis album Selamat Ulang Tahun pada Mei 2020, aku jadi makin sering mendengar lagu-lagu Nadin. Melodi lagu yang menenangkan bekerja baik dalam membantuku relaks selama bulan-bulan penuh tekanan. Aku mendengar lagu-lagu itu di mobil waktu pagi hari sebelum ujian seleksi pertamaku di masa pandemi, di siang hari saat membuat catatan, di malam hari saat membuka banyak pesan "menakutkan" di WhatsApp hingga sekadar meredakan perasaan berat sebelum menutup hari yang penat.

Sebelum aku mengecek receiptify, aku sendiri pun awalnya tak mengira aku telah mendengar sesering itu. Namun, sekecil apapun dampaknya, lagu-lagu itu membantuku sedikit lebih berani. Keberanian yang mendorongku tetap berdiri mau siap ga siap. Aku jadi lebih berani ketika aku membuka pintu mobil dan masuk ruang ujian seleksi, menahan ambisi harus selalu "sempurna" pada catatanku, membuka bejibun pesan di ponselku sendiri hingga sekadar tidur tanpa diiringi resah dan amarah. Terima kasih ya, Nadin.

Di tahun 2021 ini, giliran usiaku yang menjadi 20. Menuju berkepala dua, akhir-akhir ini aku jadi beberapa kali kepikiran hal-hal seperti:

Begini jugakah yang Nadin rasakan setahun lalu? Hebat ya dia masih sempat berkarya seindah itu.

Komparasi atau refleksi?

Apapun itu rasanya aku tidak se-insecure tahun lalu. Kondisi yang berbeda pasti juga menjadi faktor pengaruhnya. Bukan ingin berusaha menjadi seperti Nadin, bukan. Aku terpikir saja ingin merayakan tahun hidupku ke-20 dengan karya yang indah juga. 

Karya seperti apa? Entahlah, apa saja.

Kalau di KBBI, "karya" berarti pekerjaan, hasil perbuatan, buatan, ciptaan (terutama hasil karangan). Dalam sumber yang sama, "berkarya" diartikan sebagai mempunyai pekerjaan tetap, berprofesi, mencipta (mengarang, melukis, dan sebagainya). Di tulisan ini, aku mendefinisikan karya sebagai hasil perbuatan seorang manusia yang bertanggung jawab atas hidupnya. Kalau Nadin berkarya dengan menulis lagu, aku ingin menulis juga, menulis hal lain atau "lagu" lain. 

Menulis sekarang bagiku bukan hanya tentang seberapa banyak puisi yang sudah ditulis sendiri, seberapa larut rasa yang diurai dalam aksara, atau seberapa tebal catatan yang akan dihafal. Menulis juga kumaknai sebagai proses menulis kisah hidup.

Mau menulis apa di kisah sendiri? Mau seindah apa diksi yang merangkainya? Mau sebermakna apa proses menulisnya?

Tentu saja menulis kisah hidup yang kumaksud di sini adalah berkarya/mencipta hidup dari mencoba pengalaman "sebanyak" yang manusia bisa lakukan, terlepas dari kesuksesan dan kegagalan. Teruntuk suratan takdir yang memang sudah ditulis-Nya, biar jadi rahasia. Biar ia tiba sesuai waktu terbaik menurut-Nya. Angan ingin manusia seperti mimpi, target, atau apapun itu disebutnya biar jadi doa yang membantu untuk mendekatkan diri pada-Nya.

Bulan Mei tahun ini, Nadin sudah merilis album lagi. Judulnya Kalah Bertaruh. Mendengarnya, aku yakin Nadin telah melewati banyak hal di usia 20-nya dan hanya membandingkannya dengan apa yang sudah kulewati takkan banyak membantuku dalam berkarya juga. Sebab di bulan Mei saja, bukan hanya Nadin Amizah yang berkarya, semua orang juga. Semua orang juga sedang berkarya, menulis kisah hidup masing-masing.

Apapun medianya, apapun manusia memaknai karyanya, Tuhan sama-sama menyaksikan. Berapapun usianya, berapapun harga untuk sampai di hari itu, pengalaman hidup sama-sama sedang dituliskan dari apapun yang sudah berlalu dan yang sedang dilalui. 

Jadi, sudahi insecurenya. Orang lain berkarya dan menulis kisah hidupnya sendiri, biar, selama itu baik mengapa tidak. Sebab daripada saling membandingkan, selama punya kehidupan, siapa saja juga bisa berkarya, bukan?

Satu-satu pengalaman dilalui sebelum tak ada lagi waktu dan kesempatan, mau karya seperti apa yang dituliskan? 

Selamat menulis. Selamat menua dengan karya yang baik, siapa saja.

@30haribercerita

#30haribercerita

#30hbc2108

Continue Reading